Painless
HOWARD enters from outside. There is a faint faraway sound of an ambulance.
HOWARD
(To audience)
It's a grand day. A right grand morning. I've just been having a look round the garden. It's coming on a treat. Not that I like gardening particularly. Bloody well hate it if the truth's known. Not that it is much, these days. It's the only place I can relax though, get a bit of peace. Away from the wife, know what I mean? Don't get me wrong. she's a lovely woman - wouldn't swap her for the world, but she does go on. She'll be through that door any second now.
JENNY enters
JENNY
Has he been?
HOWARD
Not yet
JENNY
He's late. I hope nothing's happened
HOWARD
What could have happened?
JENNY
I heard that siren. Did you hear it?
HOWARD
I heard it
JENNY
Ambulance
HOWARD
It might have been
JENNY
It was - I recognised the tone.
HOWARD
Expert are you?
JENNY
I know what an ambulance sounds like
HOWARD
Anyway, you can't come to much harm in a milk float.
JENNY
Someone could have run in to him; he could be lying mangled at the side of the road
HOWARD
Like a hedgehog
JENNY
You're so callous
HOWARD
(musing)
All that gold top running away
JENNY
Just downright callous
HOWARD
You worry too much, that's your trouble.
JENNY
It comes of being married to you for forty years.
HOWARD
He's 35 years old for God's sake
JENNY
He's my son, I worry about him.
HOWARD
And I'm your husband, you don't seem to worry too much about me.
JENNY
You're different. He's my little lad.
HOWARD
He's married with two lads of his own
JENNY
(To audience)
Lovely children they are
HOWARD
Bloody hell
JENNY
Getting on well at school. Top of the class.
HOWARD
(To audience)
We only had the one - Gerald. That's all you were allowed then. Just the one.
JENNY
(To audience)
Things have changed now though, it's a bit more relaxed and they've got the two
HOWARD
I didn't want anymore. One was enough.
JENNY
Oh I'd have loved more
HOWARD
Anyway Mother you can stop fretting now, he's here.
JENNY
How do you know?
HOWARD
I can hear his bottles clinking up the path
JENNY
I wonder if he's time for a cup of tea?
HOWARD
I've never known him say no
There is a quick rat a tat-tat at the door. it opens and Gerald enters.
Gerald
Hello Mum, Dad, both OK?
HOWARD
Not bad considering. I were just saying it's a right grand morning.
JENNY
Have you time for a quick cuppa?
Gerald
(Looking awkward)
I won't this morning if you don't mind, I'm a bit late.
To HOWARD
It's a bit blowy
HOWARD
You can't beat a spring day in England. I don't care where you go; you can't beat a spring day in England. Best country in the world this - for weather.
JENNY
Gerald likes Spain, don't you love?
Gerald
It's all right
HOWARD
Too hot, no shade. Bloody sun beating down all day long. You can keep your Spain.
JENNY
It rains in Spain
HOWARD
Aye, but mainly on the plain.
(Gerald looks puzzled)
JENNY
That's an old one. I miss the old songs.
Gerald
How many do you want anyway?
JENNY
(To HOWARD)
What do you think?
HOWARD
No good asking me, I'll not be drinking it.
JENNY
We'll have two today but from tomorrow just the one
(She whispers to Gerald)
You haven't forgotten?
HOWARD
There's no need to whisper, I'm not deaf yet - nor likely to be now.
Gerald
I've not forgotten. I've got you a card Dad. Here you are. Happy Birthday.
(HOWARD holds the card uncertain as to what to do)
JENNY
Aren't you going to open it?
HOWARD
Should I?
JENNY
Well I would
HOWARD
I know you would, can't wait for bloody anything that's your trouble.
Gerald
Open it later if you like; when I've gone.
JENNY
He'll open it now
HOWARD
Aye, I'll open it now.
JENNY
Let's have a look
(She grabs the card)
Happy Birthday Dad with all our love from Gerald, Lisa and the boys.
HOWARD
(takes the card)
JENNY
That's nice, isn't it?
HOWARD
(Has a quick glance at card)
Lovely. Thank Lisa for me, it looks like her writing.
JENNY
Leave the lad alone, it's a lovely card.
HOWARD
(To Gerald)
Are you doing anything later?
Gerald
I've nothing planned, why?
HOWARD
It's such a lovely spring day; you ought to take those lads of yours up to the park.
JENNY
They'll be at school you daft old bugger
HOWARD
(To JENNY)
I know that, but they'll be home at tea time; and less of the old.
HOWARD
(To Gerald)
I used to enjoy going up to the park with you, kicking a ball about. You had a good left foot. Could have played for City if you'd put your mind to it.
JENNY
Don't let's go into all that again. It's over and done with.
HOWARD
Like a lot of things
Gerald
Was it really such a disappointment to you that I didn't make it?
HOWARD
I supported that club man and boy but when they turned you out I never went through those gates again.
Gerald
I wasn't good enough Dad. They needed more than a good left foot.
HOWARD
Maybe. Anyway it put me off and that's that. Another thing that's over and done with.
Gerald
I'd best be off Dad
HOWARD
Aye, well - take care of those little 'uns
Gerald
Good luck then
(They stand awkwardly as though they’d like to embrace but settle instead on a handshake.)
HOWARD
I don't think luck comes into it
JENNY
Bye love, see you in the morning; and don't be late.
HOWARD
You know how much she worries about you
Gerald
Are you all right Dad, you look a bit pale?
HOWARD
I'll be all right, you get yourself off and think on - get those lads up the park this afternoon
Gerald
I will
HOWARD
Promise?
Gerald
Promise
JENNY
And don't forget love, just the one tomorrow.
Gerald
Oh Mum, I won't forget.
(Gerald leaves)
HOWARD
That's that then
(JENNY makes to leave)
Where are you going?
JENNY
I'll be back in a minute
(she exits)
HOWARD
(Musing - to audience)
So here we are then. The day thou gavest Lord has ended - or is about to. Still the garden's looking nice. You can't beat a spring day in England. The best country in the world to live in. Course, things are a bit different now. JENNY'll be OK. Martin's OK - he's got a good job, he's a milkman. He could have played for City if he'd applied himself a bit more. Still, water under bridge.
He switches on the radio
f/x Tape
This is the B.B.C. national radio. The time is 10:00 on the 23rd of April. here is the news read by Thomas Kent.
The National Government has announced a five year suspension of capital punishment. The shock move was announced by the home affairs ministry. This will bring us into line with the rest of Europe.
Negotiations have resumed in Brussels concerning the reopening of the channel tunnel but an early breakthrough is not expected
He switches off the radio as JENNY enters
JENNY
Are you talking to yourself?
HOWARD
Only way to get..........
JENNY
A decent conversation.
(they laugh)
HOWARD
It was the radio, I was listening to the news.
JENNY
Anything interesting?
HOWARD
Same old rubbish. You know I was just wondering who'd be sat in this kitchen in 5 years time.
JENNY
Why?
HOWARD
It just crossed my mind
JENNY
Seems a funny thing to be thinking about
HOWARD
Don't you ever have funny little thoughts like that?
JENNY
No
HOWARD
If you had your time again would you do anything different?
JENNY
Would you?
HOWARD
I had precious little say in anything the first time round
JENNY
But suppose you could have chosen?
HOWARD
Aye, well, I couldn't
JENNY
Would you have chosen me again?
HOWARD
I never chose you, we were matched up
JENNY
We haven't been bad together
HOWARD
No
JENNY
Have we?
HOWARD
No
JENNY
Do you think we have?
HOWARD
No
JENNY
Well then
HOWARD
Well then what?
JENNY
Stop complaining
HOWARD
I never said a word
JENNY
You were thinking
HOWARD
I'm surprised that's still allowed you know. Look, your name went in, my name went in and they both came out together. We didn't have a right lot of choice in the matter.
JENNY
We've stuck it out
HOWARD
Yeah, we've stuck it out.
JENNY
We made the best of it
HOWARD
I'm not complaining
JENNY
You'd better not or they'll be no breakfast
HOWARD
I'm not hungry
JENNY
You always have a good breakfast
HOWARD
Not today
JENNY
Today of all days
HOWARD
I'm not hungry
JENNY
You can't go on an empty stomach
HOWARD
I'd rather not be going at all
JENNY
Now don't let's start that again
HOWARD
I was just saying
JENNY
I know what you were just saying and there's no point. It won't do any good going on about it.
HOWARD
I know
JENNY
They'll be here in less than an hour
HOWARD
I know
JENNY
You can't just forget about it; it won't go away.
HOWARD
I know woman. I bloody well know.
JENNY
No need to shout
HOWARD
Just don't keep going on about it
JENNY
All the same you should have something
HOWARD
I think I'll go for a walk - get a paper or something.
JENNY
You haven't time. Bacon and eggs be OK?
HOWARD
Anything - I think a walk would do me good.
JENNY
You don't want to get excited
HOWARD
I don't think I've ever been excited about anything
JENNY
You were excited when we got Gerald
HOWARD
Aye - I was.
JENNY
I wonder what it was like in the olden days when women actually carried the baby in their stomach for 9 months and then gave birth.
HOWARD
Bloody awful I'd have thought
JENNY
I don't know
HOWARD
Look at the size of our Gerald when we got him, you'd have had a hell of a job giving birth to anything that size.
JENNY
Oh HOWARD, he wouldn't have been that size if I'd been carrying him myself.
HOWARD
No?
JENNY
They grew them that size in the incubators - gave them more of a chance to survive.
HOWARD
So how big would he have been?
JENNY
About a quarter the size - say 8 pounds.
HOWARD
I bet not many survived then
JENNY
More than you'd think
HOWARD
You just can't imagine it can you?
JENNY
I'd have liked to have done it
HOWARD
You're barmy, that's your trouble
JENNY
Howard?
HOWARD
What?
JENNY
Nothing
(there is silence for a minute while JENNY prepares breakfast)
JENNY
Howard?
HOWARD
Hmm?
JENNY
I'm scared
HOWARD
You're scared - how do you think I feel?
JENNY
Well.........
HOWARD
You're scared? There's three years before your turn. I'm going through in less than four hours time - it was 13:00 wasn't it?
JENNY
Yes, I think so.
HOWARD
And you're scared? What do you mean, you think so? You mean they might be knocking on the door any minute now? Where is it?
JENNY
What?
HOWARD
The card woman. The bloody card.
JENNY
There's no need to shout at me. Try behind the clock. I'm sure it said eleven.
HOWARD
Gets card from behind clock and reads
Dear Mr Brady you will have reached the age laid down by law on the 23rd of April next. you are instructed to be ready for collection on that date at 11:00 to be taken for processing at 13:00.
JENNY
There you are I said it was 11:00
HOWARD
(Reading)
Our operatives will arrive promptly at the time stated and it would be appreciated if you could be ready to leave with a minimum of delay. We would suggest to facilitate this that all family farewells are made before the collection date.
For and on behalf of the Secretary of State
Signed by some pratt who's name I can't read. I'm not surprised. Who'd want to put their name to that?
JENNY
There's not long
HOWARD
Tell me about it
JENNY
I'm scared of being on my own
HOWARD
Well you needn't worry about that. Our glorious Government will look after you.
JENNY
Oh I know I won't starve. But I'll miss you.
HOWARD
Oh
JENNY
Do I take that as sorry
HOWARD
I'm just a bit edgy
JENNY
You're edgy, I'm edgy - I'll be glad when today's over. Oh God I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that.
HOWARD
Don't worry, you're not the only one who'll be glad when it's over.
JENNY
Look sit down and have your breakfast.
HOWARD
(Sitting at table)
I'm really not hungry
JENNY
You eat that love and I'll be back in a minute. I've got a little something for you.
(she exits)
HOWARD
(To audience)
I've often wondered what it was like in the good old days when people lived until they died; either a natural death or cut down in their prime from an accident or a terrible disease. Don't get me wrong; there's a lot to be said for the way things are now.
You get looked after all your life. The state looks after you, they choose your partner. It's all done by computer - no possibility of mismatch. No incompatibility - therefore, no divorce. Not needed, is it?
Children come along - again provided by the state. You could only have the one when we were young but it's two these days. We just went along to the nursery, handed in our ticket, spent five minutes in the waiting room, and came home with a little bundle of joy. Amazing when you think about it.
There's no disease, no illness of any kind. Crime is non-existent - though what effect abolishing the death penalty will have I don't know. You can hardly believe that not that many years ago people all over the world were starving or dying from a lack of fresh water. The changes have been enormous. The world is a far better place now than when my Grandfather was a boy.
But there's a price to be paid. There's only so much to go round - only so many people the earth can sustain. And this afternoon at 13:00 I'll be paying the price. I suppose one of the worst things about dying before was the pain; Heart attack, cancer, strokes, something called AIDS. At least now we're spared all that. Just a simple injection and then what? Blackness, nothingness stretching away for ever? Or is there something else? Something worth going for.
Just a simple injection - they say it's painless but can you trust them?
JENNY enters
JENNY
Oh Howard, you haven't touched your breakfast.
HOWARD
(Ignores this remark)
Have you got me a card then?
JENNY
Of course, and a present.
HOWARD
Let's have a look
JENNY
You've no patience
HOWARD
It's time I haven't got
(He takes card and reads)
Wishing you all the things you wish for yourself. all my love, JENNY.
JENNY
I wasn't sure about the words but there wasn't a lot of choice
HOWARD
It's fine love - just fine.
JENNY
And there's this
HOWARD
(Takes present and opens it)
You shouldn't have, really you shouldn't.
JENNY
I've not missed before and I'll be damned if I'll start today.
HOWARD
A camera?
JENNY
Careful, it's quite old.
HOWARD
I can see that, where on earth did you get it?
JENNY
That little antique shop in the High Street
HOWARD
It must have cost a fortune
JENNY
Worth every penny
HOWARD
It's smashing love - really smashing.
JENNY
There's a film in it
HOWARD
Is there?
JENNY
I want a photo of us together.
HOWARD
How will we manage that?
JENNY
It's got a timer, I thought if we stood it on the table and sat on a chair we could just about manage it.
HOWARD
Come on then
(they go through the business of taking the photo's)
JENNY
Now I'll put the kettle on while you get changed. Do you want this heating up?
HOWARD
No thanks love. What do you mean - get changed?
JENNY
I want you looking smart.
HOWARD
Why? They won’t care what I look like.
JENNY
No but I will. Anyway that's not the point. I want you to be smart and dignified about this. Now off you go - and put your best suit on. You'll feel better for it.
HOWARD
I doubt it. My best suit? You know they burn your clothes afterwards?
JENNY
Yes, I know.
HOWARD
Well, I don't. I just don't know anything any more.
(he exits)
JENNY
(To audience)
I know this sounds a terrible thing to say and I'd never say it in front of Howard but today doesn't seem any different from yesterday. Oh yes, I know what's going to happen - well as much as anybody does - but I don't seem to have taken it in. I know he hasn't. You can't expect him to have.
All I know is that he'll be going out of that door at 11:00 and he'll not be coming back. Shouldn't I be feeling something more than I am? But it's not as though it's happening to me is it? Is that a dreadful thing to say? It is, isn't it? That's how it gets you; day in, day out; year in, year out. It becomes normal. You see your friends and family going one by one you become immune to it - until it's your turn. It's not as though I can do anything to help him. No one can. I feel so bloody helpless. All I can do is just try and be as normal as possible.
We'd have been married 40 years in a months time. Seventeen I was; just a young fresh faced girl who knew nothing. Who still knows nothing. I don't know, you live your life and try to be good and then this happens. What does it matter if you've been good or bad, they still come for you. Though, I suppose if you're bad they might come for you a lot sooner.
HOWARD enters - he is wearing a smart suit, collar and tie.
JENNY
You look very smart love, feeling any better?
HOWARD
A bit, maybe.
JENNY
There, I knew you would. You'll be OK love.
HOWARD
It's all the same either way.
JENNY
Do you want a bit of toast?
HOWARD
I just want to get it over and done with
JENNY
I know love
HOWARD
I had thought of making a run for it
JENNY
Howard!
HOWARD
Not seriously. It just went through my mind. Only natural I suppose.
JENNY
What good would it do?
HOWARD
None probably. Some bugger would have turned me in. Bounty money would have seen to that.
JENNY
People were running all the time in the early days but you hardly ever hear of it now.
HOWARD
There's supposed to be a refuge somewhere in the wilds of Scotland
JENNY
Surely that's just talk?
HOWARD
There might be something in it
JENNY
How would you get there? Suppose you got as far as the border, how would you get over the wall?
HOWARD
I dunno; I'm just saying what I've heard.
JENNY
I've never heard of anyone getting over the wall.
HOWARD
They'd hardly put it on the news
JENNY
No
HOWARD
Anyway, too late now.
JENNY
It was always too late. You'd have never done anything like that.
HOWARD
Maybe you're right.
JENNY
I know I am. I know you inside out.
HOWARD
Aye
JENNY
More tea?
HOWARD
Is there time?
JENNY
Fifteen minutes. Do you think they'll want a cup?
HOWARD
You're making fresh tea so they can have a cup?
JENNY
I'm making a last pot of tea for my husband. If they want a cup they can have one. You can't blame the poor chaps coming to collect you. It's an awful job, I expect they get terrible abuse from some people.
HOWARD
I think you're secretly looking forward to this
JENNY
Howard, what a terrible thing to say!
HOWARD
You're taking it all a bit too calmly for my liking
JENNY
One of us has to be
HOWARD
You're still an attractive woman
JENNY
Why thank you. That’s the first time you’ve said that in years.
HOWARD
Have you got someone else lined up?
JENNY
You know that's not allowed
HOWARD
Susan Hamilton seems to get away with it.
JENNY
When have you ever seen Susan with a man?
HOWARD
That dance a month ago
JENNY
That was her brother
HOWARD
So she said
JENNY
Howard, there's nobody else. Don't go start getting upset by that.
HOWARD
Promise?
JENNY
I promise. Look love it's only natural to be anxious but I don't want you going off worrying about me.
HOWARD
I'll be all right now.
(they move together and hug)
HOWARD
How long?
JENNY
Ten minutes - if they're on time.
HOWARD
They'll be on time. They pride themselves on it. When Jack Hamilton went they were ten minutes early. Indecent I call it.
JENNY
They're supposed to be very good, firm but fair.
HOWARD
That's your trouble; you're always too willing to see the other point of view.
(there is a rattling noise at the door)
Christ ! They're here.
JENNY
I'll see
(she leaves and is back very quickly with some envelopes)
Just the post.
HOWARD
Anything official looking? Let's have a look.
(He snatches the envelopes)
HOWARD
Electric bill; that's gone up; Timeshare in Florida - perhaps next year; I can't believe this - 'Do I want life insurance?' They can stuff that.
(He throws the mail on the floor)
I thought there might have been a reprieve or something. You know, change of policy.
(the door bell rings)
See - early.
JENNY
It might not be.
HOWARD
JENNY? I love you.
JENNY
I love you too
(the bell rings again)
I'd better go
HOWARD
I feel funny
JENNY
Remember, calm and dignified
(she exits and comes back closely followed by two officials)
Howard, they want to talk to you.
HOWARD
What’s to talk about?
1st official
Mr Brady; Mr HOWARD Brady
HOWARD
Listen fellers, I don't feel too good.
2nd official
If I had a gold coin for every time I'd heard that
1st official
The thing is - there's been a bit of a mix up.
2nd official
That's putting it mildly - very mildly
1st official
Human error I'm afraid
2nd official
It's the only drawback in the system now. The technology is superb. But I suspect - and this is only supposition and I wouldn’t want quoting on it - that the input operative made a mistake.
JENNY
What exactly are you saying?
1st official
Happened years ago Lady - when he was created probably.
2nd official
We only found out this morning..........
1st official
When we got the print out. I spotted it straight away. I said to my mate here
2nd official
He did, saw it straight away; I'd have missed it.
JENNY
What exactly is the mistake?
1st official
Incorrect date of creation
JENNY
HOWARD?
2nd official
They'll be a full investigation
1st official
We nearly didn't bother coming but thought you would only worry if we didn't turn up
2nd official
Thought you'd want to know the good news
1st official
So, Mr Brady - you're not sixty today, only fifty nine.
2nd official
Here Mrs, is your husband OK, he looks a bit off colour to me.
JENNY
Howard, did you hear what the men said?
1st official
You've got another year my old mate. Make the most of it and maybe we'll see you this time next year.
JENNY
Howard?
2nd official
That's if we've still got a job. Cock up like this and who gets the blame?
1st official
We do
HOWARD falls to the floor
JENNY
(Screams)
she drops to the floor and holds him
2nd official
Trouble is when this happens the paper work is endless. The job's bad enough as it.
1st official
I didn't expect that though. I thought he looked a bit pale but most people are when we turn up.
2nd official
I thought he'd have been pleased - extra year an all.
1st official
You can't tell with some people.
2nd official
Where next then?
1st official
(Consults clipboard)
Round the corner. Number 79.
(They exit)
(JENNY lowers HOWARD gently to the floor and goes to the door to make sure they’ve gone. when her back is turned HOWARD sits up.)
HOWARD
If we set off in good time I’m sure we could make Scotland by this time next year. Do you fancy it?
JENNY
Oh HOWARD, yes - yes - YES.
Copyright (c) Chris Gallagher